The "Little" White Lie

"It's no big deal."
"No one would care."
"I'm only protecting him/ her."
"It's not hurting anyone or anything."
"No one needs to know about that."
"It's just a little fib.  At least I am not killing people."

These are the rationalizations that echo in our minds and hearts when we make the decision to tell a lie. 

I understand that no one wants to hurt someone's feelings when they ask, "Do these pants look good on me?"  But, this is not what I am talking about.  I am talking about a good (bad) old-fashioned lie.

As a parent, I am having to deal with this subject.  Just this week, I had a "family meeting" with my kids after I was informed about a conversation my youngest son had at a friend's house.  Essentially, he and his friend were talking about lying.  I am not sure exactly how it came up, but my son said something to the effect of, "I don't tell lies very often...but when I do, I get away with it." He's still trying to pry his size 4 Reebok out of his mouth.

If that wasn't bad enough, he went on to justify these fibs by saying that lying "isn't that big of a sin."  He said there are much worse things he could be doing than lying...almost as if he's doing us a FAVOR by "only" lying! Deep breath. 

I wasn't present when he had this conversation, but it was relayed to my wife, who in turn filled me in.  The string of emotions I felt ranged from disappointment to anger to disbelief to sadness.  And, while my initial tendency was to get upset with him, more than anything else this discovery led me to think more deeply of my role as a parent.

One morning this week, I drove my son to school, and I brought up this not-so-fun subject.  I explained to him what I had heard, and he pretty much admitted what he said.  I asked him if he said that lying wasn't that big of a sin, and he also admitted that to me.  Instead of body-slamming him and screaming to the top of my lungs, I decided to use this as a teachable moment.  I told him that "sin is sin," and that ALL sin is wrong, and it makes our hearts yucky.  

I proceeded to say that while sin is sin, that the consequences of our sins depend on the violation (I used more 4th-grade friendly words for him).  Lying is a sin.  Murder is a sin.  Adultery is a sin. Idol worship is a sin.  The penalty for my transgression will vary greatly from situation to situation.  But, while on the surface lying may seem like a "small sin," it has the potential to be just as devastating as any other.

I told my little boy that developing a pattern of lying behavior is not a road he wants to travel. I asked him what can happen when he lies, and gets away with it.  He had some great answers!  First, his friends and teachers could label him as "the kids who lies."  Second, he could begin to lie more and more.  Third, he would have to humble himself and apologize and ask for forgiveness.  Next, he would lose credibility with the people who matter to him the most. Finally, he would lose privileges.

Obviously, the list could go on and on, but I think my little buddy got the point.  And, while the topic of sin and lying is never a fun one to deal with, I must say that having these frank conversations with my family has truly been a highlight of my week.

My eyes need to be opened to what my kids are facing.  And, they also need to be opened to my role and responsibilities as a parent - to love and train my kids to not just believe in Jesus, but to be like him.

Let 'em Play

A few years ago I had the privilege of meeting sports psychologist Jack Llewellyn.  He had spoken at our staff meeting on a couple occasions, and he had given us each one of the books he had written as a parting gift.  One of those books was entitled Let 'em Play, which was written to parents of kids who play youth sports.

Being a dad of two boys who play baseball and basketball, I was very interested to read the book.  In a nutshell, Dr. Jack claims that having kids participate in ultra-competitive sports at a very young age is likely a bad thing.  First, it can put too much pressure on them.  Second, it can burn them out.  Third, they don't have as much time to participate in other sports or activities.  Fourth, it often turns sensible parents into monsters.  And, fifth, you as a parent leave less margin in your own life.

I enjoyed the book so much, and believed in what he shared to the point that I asked him if he would get me an additional ten copies of the book.  I gave each family on my baseball team a copy of the book to read for themselves.

That was part of the reason that we waited until age 12 for my oldest to participate in travel baseball.  I knew the time commitment involved - both for him and for me (as well as my wife).  I also had heard and read about so many young athletes who quit playing before high school because they just wanted some of their life back.  They spent ten months non-stop playing 100+ games with no time for anything - friends, family gatherings, church, other hobbies.  I didn't want that to become my family.

I think back to when I was a kid.  I was one of the better baseball players and basketball players during my time.  On average, I would play 12 regular season baseball games, and maybe another 6-8 All-Star games, from age 10 up to age 14.  So, that was less than 20 games total! For basketball, I played eight regular season games, and a tournament at the end of the year.  So, maybe 11-12 games total.  In all, I played in 30 contests in a given year for two sports!

Today, some kids are playing in excess of 120 games if they are playing travel baseball and competitive basketball.  That doesn't take into consideration the practices.  This leaves little time for anything else.  Further, it truly can get them exhausted before they ever enter high school - the years that TRULY matter most when preparing to play at a competitive level (if you hope to play in college).

Most of all, I want my kids to have fun. As a parent, I want them to excel and I push them to do their very best.  But, I can get carried away.  

Recently, I was playing basketball with my two sons in the driveway.  I was wanting them to work on dribbling properly, squaring their shoulders up to the basket when they shoot, pivoting and bounce-passing to their teammate.  What I was instructing them to do was absolutely correct.  But, sometimes my timing couldn't be worse.  My kids just wanted to have fun with dad in the driveway. And, I almost missed it.

I remember taking the ball out and "checking it" with my older son.  I was harping on his younger brother for not doing something the correct way, and his older brother says, "It's OK, dad.  We're just playing for fun."  His words pierced my heart and about knocked me over.  I felt so ashamed of myself for spending these 15-20 minutes I had with them pointing out everything they were doing wrong instead of just enjoying our time together on the "court."

In the end, Dr. Jack is right.  We just need to "let 'em play."  There's a time for hard work - but it doesn't have to happen in the driveway with dad all the time.

An Unusual Way to Increase Your Lifespan

For years, I was what you might consider "detached."  My wife and I had married, and in my early 20's, I lived a rather inconsequential existence.  I went to work, came home.  I played softball on Wednesday nights.  I went to church occasionally - maybe once per month. It was probably an "ordinary" way of life for most people.  But, it was dull.  Meaningless.

Three and a half years into our marriage, we had a son.  Obviously, he became the center of attention, and being a parent was certainly new and exciting and tiring.  But, still, life was rather ho-hum.  At the time, I likely didn't realize it, but I was missing something.

It wasn't until around 2002 that things began to change in my life.  I began to serve on Sunday mornings at the church.  I was the "bulletin guy."  I stood at the side entrance to the worship center and handed you the worship guide as you entered.  I was there every week for nearly two years, missing maybe two Sundays in that time.  I began to connect with a devoted group of faithful servants - Mike Davis, Brian Dodd, Pete Brumfield, among others. I looked forward every week to arriving at 9 a.m. to see these people and to serve at my post.

Around that same time, I was invited to attend a Bible study, which was led by Mike Linch.  At the time, Mike was the Associate Pastor at my church, and through our occasional interaction on Sunday mornings, I had come to enjoy talking to him - mostly about sports. At the age of 28, I was by far the youngest guy in this "Executive Study."  But, I was welcomed, and made to feel like an important part of the group.  I spent four years in that group, and learned countless lessons from the wisdom shared by those guys, most of whom were in their late 40's and 50's.

I could write hundreds of more pages about what has transpired in my life in the decade since.  In a nutshell, it's just been God at work in me and through me.  But, how did it start?  What was the powerful force that ignited the flame within me? Two words: being connected.

Before 2002, I knew only two people at our church.  And, Amy and I really didn't have friends we hung out with.  We sort of did life on our own (and with family, which lives nearby). But, we were missing out big-time.

Mother Theresa once said, "Loneliness is the leprosy of modern society."  The issue here is not that we disagree with this statement.  The issue is that we rarely see ourselves as lonely creatures.  But, if you are disconnected from other human beings, you likely are lonely - whether you know it or not.

Studies by a Harvard social scientist have proven that connected people live longer than lonely people.  That's probably, in and of itself, not a surprise.  But, did you know isolated people are three times more likely to die than those who have strong relational connections? Also, did you know that people who are in poor health, or who have developed poor health habits, live significantly longer than healthy individuals who are isolated? Finally, that same study showed that people who were not connected in any groups, but who got connected into just one group, cut their risk of dying in half over the next year.

I'm sure glad that I took advantage of the opportunities I had more than a decade ago to get to know more people, and to actually belong.  Those decisions have changed the course of my life and my family's lives - more than words could ever say.

If you are just coming and going, trying to do life all by yourself, you're missing out. But, it doesn't have to be that way.  Take a step.  Join a group. Get connected.  You'll be better for it.  And, so will those all around you.

Clean it Up

One of my biggest pet peeves is walking through a parking lot and seeing shopping carts strewn about.  It's as eye sore.  And, for years, I have stated that it's just plain lazy.  But, as it turns out, it's much more than laziness that leads to people leaving a shopping cart in the middle of a parking lot.  Or, throwing a soda can on the side of the road.  Or, littering the ground with a candy wrapper. Let me explain.

I am currently reading The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell.  In the book, he demonstrates how seemingly insignificant factors can make a huge difference in creating an epidemic (or reversing one). The example I am currently reading about is how New York City was able to turn around its crime epidemic, which peaked in the late 1980's.

At that time, the subway system was a wreck - dirty, disorderly, and in poor shape. Further, drug use was escalating, and felony crimes throughout the city - particularly on the subway - were at an all-time high.  Additionally, a practice known as "fare-beating" was prevalent at subway stations.  Teams of young men or teenagers would jam turnstiles, then force passengers to give them their subway tokens or money to earn passage through a gate. Because of violence, theft, and fare-beating, the general public lost confidence in the subway system and hundreds of thousands of people stopped using it.

In the mid-1980's proponents of "Broken Window" theory decided to try an experiment to clean up the subway system - and the city.  According to Gladwell's writing, Broken Window theory says that "crime is the inevitable result of disorder.  If a window is broken and left unrepaired, people walking by will conclude that no one cares and no one is in charge. Soon, more windows will be broken, and the sense of anarchy will spread..."

The City of New York tested this theory. For years, subway cars were covered in graffiti.  The city decided that graffiti was one of the primary deterrents to people riding on the subway. Graffiti sent a negative message.  So, car by car, they began to remove and repaint over the graffiti.  When cars were taken out of service, teens would spend hours painting graffiti on these cars late at night. After they had completed their works of art, the city would come with paint cans and rollers and paint over it. The graffiti artists began to realize their efforts were wasted. And, after doing this for six years (until 1990), the city had won the graffiti battle.

They also put resources in place to put a halt to the fare beaters, but they found that cleaning up the subway system was most attributed to putting a stop to the graffiti.

So, what does this have to do with shopping carts and litter in parking lots? Well, it's the same principle.  If certain retailers and neighborhoods would put their foot down and demonstrate that cleanliness is of huge importance, it would send a message. A dozen carts standing alone in a parking lot tells shoppers many things.  But, putting personnel and resources in place to keep carts either in cart holders, or to be returned easily, would also result in contagious behavior.

If you live in an area with lot of broken windows (literally or figuratively), you have a choice to make.  You can move to another area that has nicer windows, or you can help change the attitudes and behaviors by doing your part to keep your neighborhood clean and safe. Trust me...others will notice, and will likely follow suit!

Where's the Evidence?

Seems that the world is just full of believers – people who say they believe in God (whatever you may call Him).  Many of these say they believe that Jesus Christ came to earth, died, and was resurrected.  I have read a couple different statistics on this, but the most recent Pew Research study indicates that 84 percent of the world’s population “has faith.”  Approximately 32 percent of the world’s population considers themselves Christians.  

But, what does this really tell us? If 2.2 billion people believe in Jesus Christ as the Son of God, and that only 16 percent of the people in the entire world don’t have faith of any kind, what can we glean? If you ask me, it’s simple.  It’s not good news.  What it means is that people’s beliefs and actions are not in alignment.

Somewhere along the way, we decided that our actions just weren’t as important as the belief we professed.  Sure, scripture is clear that must first BELIEVE.  And, it’s also clear that works cannot save us.  But, the Bible also paints the picture that our actions follow closely with our belief.  Salvation requires repentance, which is turning your back on your old life and beginning to walk in the opposite direction. This means change.  This means sacrifice.  This means discomfort at times.

The problem for most Christians is not that they don’t want to change, or that they don’t want to do the right thing.  It’s that wanting to do it, and actually doing it are completely different.  Let’s say you love your spouse with all your heart. Day after day you thank God for him or her.  They are on your mind constantly.  But, you always work late. You rarely speak an encouraging word. You never tell her how much she means.  You never plan a date night. You rarely smile at home. But, wait…you love your spouse.  You adore them. But, your actions don’t line up with your feelings.

In James, we read that faith without good works is a dead faith.  Not “no faith,” but a dead one. Lifeless. Pointless. Dormant. So, if your faith is pushing up daisies, who even knows that you have faith? What evidence is there to support that you believe?

I read a quote in a magazine article a couple years ago that has stuck with me.  To paraphrase, the author said that the biggest gap that exists in the life of a Christian is not the gap between what we know and what we need to know.  The biggest gap is between what we know and how we live. Ouch.

You may not know the entire Bible from cover to cover.  You may only know a couple of the Commandments – that you’re supposed to love your neighbor, not murder, not steal, not covet.  So, what are you doing with what you know? How are you living?  What choices are you making to demonstrate your beliefs?

I recently read a book entitled Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman.  The book is incredibly well-written, and equally convicting.  Idleman claims that most Christians are “fans” of Jesus. We like to associate ourselves with Christ.  We even agree with everything Jesus says.  But, we just don’t want to actually follow him.  We don’t want to give up control. We don’t want to go “all in.”

We think if we go “all in” we’ll have to give up some things. Maybe so.  We think if we go “all in” we’ll have to act differently.  Hopefully so.  We think that going “all in” will change our identity. Definitely so! 

After all, isn’t that why you accepted Christ in the first place? 

John 14:15 simply says this: If you love me, obey my commands. (NLT)

Your spouse wants you to cherish her.  Your kids want you to spend time with them.  Your friends want you to be trustworthy. Your co-workers want you to be dependable.

But, God wants you to obey.  Why?  Because He loves you.  He knows what is best for you.  And, He knows you love Him when you do what He asks. And, everybody else will too!